he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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