Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
