I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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