My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
