I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
