There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
