His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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