Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
