Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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