So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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