I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
