He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
