You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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