God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
