Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
