Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
