Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
