dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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