Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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