Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
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