Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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