1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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