Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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