i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
