mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
