I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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