I think my fart just growled at me.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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