apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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