3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
