I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
