You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
