just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
