I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
