I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
