Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
