i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
