I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
