Only a mothe r could love this liver
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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