Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
