I just pynch a tree in the face
I want to walk on stilts...naked
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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