So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
whose parrot is this?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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