my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My cat gives me a boner
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Can I color on your dick again?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
