I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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