Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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