so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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