Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
