I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
