I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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