Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
