he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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